My Story

This is how I came to the conclusion that thoughts matter in a human life. I experienced it myself.

For years I was shy around new people and new groups. I was unhappy with myself, insecure, always thinking, full of negative thoughts, heading toward the depressive side. In 2009 I was studying Psychology at university, and I could not cope with my own head anymore. I had had enough. I decided to do something about it, because I could not go on like this.

I started reading books and watching documentaries about who we are. Metaphysics, psychology, philosophy, spirituality. I tried yoga, meditation, breathing techniques, eating patterns, cold showers.

Then I did something I had not read or seen anywhere. I started talking back to my own thoughts. At first I told them to shut up, every time they started. After that I began talking with them. Sometimes they had been running for a while before I noticed. When I talked with them, I saw something. They started losing their power, because they had no answer to my answers and my questions.

This is the example that changed it for me. At university I did not dare to ask questions, even when I did not understand the explanation. At home I thought, I don't understand the material, the exam is soon, I will not pass. Then another thought came up: your classmates will laugh at your accent. I was not born in this country. I spoke well, with an accent. I was fighting in my own head. On one side, I have to ask. On the other side, they will laugh at you.

So I talked with that thought. If I don't ask, I won't pass the exam. What matters more, passing the exam or being laughed at? Passing the exam, much more. I decided that the next day, in class, I would ask when I did not understand.

The next day the thought started again. Better not ask, they will laugh. I said, I have to ask, I don't understand. Before I raised my hand I started sweating, my heart was pounding. With effort, I raised my hand. I asked my question. My voice was soft and unsure. Nobody laughed.

It was hard, but I was glad I had done it. At home I told that thought, nobody laughed at me. The next day it was still hard, but I asked. Every time I had a question, I asked. That thought, they will laugh at you, left and never came back. I still had other thoughts that sabotaged me. But that one was gone.

I became a different person. In the first months I said nothing in class, not even to my classmates. One month after my first question, I was talking with everyone, joking, discussing the material. When the teacher asked the group a question, I put my hand up to answer.

That opened my eyes. My own thoughts had created a reality that was not true. In my head: if I talk, people will laugh. In reality: I talked, and nobody laughed.

I kept going. I kept talking with my thoughts, and I started looking for where else they were working on me without my knowing. I was amazed. Much of what I believed, my perception, my convictions, came from my own thoughts, and often it was not right. I thought, wow, I have to relearn everything. I have to get to know myself from the start.

I am still reading, still watching documentaries, still doing yoga, meditation, breathing. The deeper I went into my own head, the more I found out that I know nothing. After years of research, there is still no concrete answer to what a thought is, or where it comes from. Psychology says one thing, philosophy another, spirituality another, science another. I read what they all say, and I still do not know exactly what a thought is.

What I did notice is this. Some thoughts arrive without my wanting them, while I am doing the dishes, and the thought goes to the past, or to something that never happened. Others I use on purpose, to plan, to calculate, to understand, to solve something. And within both kinds, some push me to try something new, and some keep me where I am.

What I still miss is attention on thoughts themselves, explained simply, from the human side, how they influence us. That is why Know Thy Thought exists. I want people to get to know their own thoughts and gain control over them. I want to see people flourish and reach their potential.

Know your thoughts. Know yourself.